By John English
I recently had a visit from a very dear friend. As is common during our visits, we stayed up late, drinking wine and reminiscing. On this particular occasion, she recounted a youth spent in rebellion – running away from home, shop-lifting, a bit of jail time, drugs, living by her wits. At one point, she went to the bathroom, and I noticed on her return that her face was wet with tears.
She sat down, looked at me with sad eyes and asked, "How do I deal with regret?" She felt she had disappointed her parents, who are both gone now, and had not adequately made amends for the many hurts she had caused.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines regret as "a feeling of sadness about something sad or wrong or about a mistake that you have made, and a wish that it could have been different." Regret can be an incredibly powerful emotion, impacting mental health and clouding present-day actions and relationships. It is an emotion rooted in past experience and involves grief, guilt, shame, and a deep sense of responsibility for the hurts that have been caused as a result of a perceived "wrong" that you have committed. Focusing habitually on regrets can cause depression, anxiety, and an overall sense of gloom. If these feelings persist, current relationships may be damaged, day-to-day functioning may be impaired, and the resulting depression may need clinical intervention. To live perpetually in a state of regret poisons the joy and satisfaction that a well-lived life can provide.
My response to her question went something like this: "You were very young when these actions occurred. You were not a fully formed adult with a fully formed adult brain. We are all rebellious to some extent as young people, and you were pushing against what you perceived as a very limiting and limited life. Your relationship with your parents, especially your mother, was not a positive one, and you were selfish and self-absorbed as many teenagers are. You were prepared to do whatever it took to escape the limitations on your freedom. You did some things that you now, as an adult, look back on with shame and guilt.
But look at you now! You have come out of this unsettled period of your life as a good, responsible, loving, and lovable person, and have tried to make amends for the mistakes of the past. Your life as you now live it is a testament to your survival and resilience. You stayed by your mother in her last days, and you apologized to your father before he died. You have accepted responsibility for the things you have done, and you are self-aware enough to see that, despite your wayward youth, you have succeeded in living a productive and fulsome life.
We cannot live in the past. It is gone, and all the mistakes we have made cannot be undone. They are part of our history, and part of the universal burden of grief that we all carry as human beings. You have made amends. It is time to recognize and acknowledge your beauty, your kindness, your generous nature. The regrets may always be there, but you cannot live them anymore. Let them be, as the Persian poet Rumi advised, visitors, not permanent guests. Acknowledge them, feel sadness, then move forward to the joy and love and wonder that define you. Every day is a chance to start over."
