By John English
In navigating relationships over the years, both intimate and more casual ones, I have often been reminded of the concept of attachment. In psychological terms (and full disclosure - I am not a psychologist!) attachment describes how, in infancy, I bond with caregivers and develop a sense of physical and emotional safety.
If in early childhood I experience unconditional love, am always in close proximity to my caregiver, and am given opportunities to explore my surroundings and develop my sense of independence and self (Bowlby, Attachment and loss), chances are that I will grow to be a confident adult, better able to handle stress and anxiety, comfortable in my own skin and prepared to handle life’s challenges fearlessly. If, on the other hand, my caregiver is emotionally absent, unengaged, and lacking in loving gestures and feelings, I will feel unsafe, fearful, and insecure in my environment and in the larger world. I will quite possibly develop neuroses that will impede my healthy psychological and social functioning as an adult. This is particularly true in the arena of my adult relationships.
There are insights for me in thinking about my childhood and in being curious about how it may have impacted past and current relationships. What kind of people am I consistently drawn to? Are there patterns in how I relate to the people in my life? Do I tend to be defensive when criticized, and quickly moved to anger? Am I easily offended or hurt? Do I develop dependencies on others in which I sacrifice my own well-being to theirs? Do I feel the need to always have my partner within arm’s reach? Am I trusting, or do I fear rejection? When I look in the mirror, do I see someone who is confident, beautiful, and self-sufficient, or someone who is fearful, timid, or awkward?
I think so many of the relationship challenges I face as an adult are rooted in the manner in which I experienced the bonding relationship with my childhood caregivers. I carry deeply held hurts and unmet needs that may haunt me as I move forward into adulthood. But with self-awareness, curiosity, an open mind, and loving support, I can find the courage and confidence to address these wounds and move forward with love for both myself and others.
