By John English
In my previous piece I mused upon the idea of attachment: how the manner in which I formed bonds with caregivers in my infancy and childhood could impact my emotional development as I made my way into adulthood. If I received loving care and acceptance as a child, I would be more likely to experience and nurture caring and loving relationships as an adult; be less fearful, less insecure, and more prepared to take risks. If I had negligent and/or ambivalent care from my primary caregivers, I might develop insecurities, fear new or unfamiliar situations, and be less trustful of others and of myself.
Another consequence of a poor attachment experience in childhood is my tendency to project my insecurities and fears on others. As I understand projection, it is the unconscious propensity to see in others the lacks or omissions I fail to see or (more to the point) acknowledge in myself. In so doing, I pass the responsibility for my own emotional needs on to others so that I no longer have to take responsibility for them.
For example, if as a child I was made to feel that the expression of anger was "bad" or unacceptable, I might as an adult carry that belief over into my adult interactions and relationships. Because I have been conditioned to see anger as an unacceptable emotion, I will recognize and judge it in others as "bad" and unacceptable, thus getting myself "off the hook" in dealing with anger in myself. It is much easier to judge others than to confront my own judgements and biases, much easier to point outwards than towards myself.
And because I was made to feel shame at my own expression of anger as a child, I will do almost anything to avoid feeling the discomfort of shame as an adult. It becomes so much easier to judge the anger of others as shameful rather than confront the reality of my own.
I have seen this behaviour in myself multiple times as I have navigated my own adult relationships. It is almost like the other person is a movie screen and I am a projector, casting my own shadow (the parts of me I do not wish to bring into the light of day) on my partners, my friends, my co-workers, etc. It is too painful to accept accountability for my own shit, so I throw it in some other direction, often towards the people I love the most.
Life is often difficult, and I am an imperfect and weak member of the human family. But I cannot bring the fears and lacks of my childhood with me into my adult life. I must take responsibility for myself as an adult and be accountable for my speech and my actions. I cannot hold others, especially those I hold most dear, responsible for the lacks I experienced early in life. I think this is one of the great challenges I face as I make my way through the entanglements of relationships. If you are interested in more insights into projection and the wounded child and are a user of Instagram, you might enjoy posts by David Dayan Fisher.
