By John English
“There is nothing on this earth more
to be prized than true friendship.”
--Thomas Aquinas
I desire connection. As a human being, I am a very social animal; I need a “tribe”, a social group in which I feel accepted, protected and valued. Within this social group is my family unit – parents, grandparents, children, and extended relatives – but also included are my fellow group members, my neighbours and co-workers and coffee shop mates. Among this non-family component of the social group are my friends.
The American Psychological Association defines friendship as “a voluntary relationship between two or more people that is long-lasting and in which those involved tend to be concerned with meeting the others’ needs and interests as well as satisfying their own desires.” This definition speaks to the concepts of mutuality and equality in friendships, the idea that there is a back-and-forth sharing of ideas, experiences, feelings and values, without judgement.
While immediate family members could be considered friends (I certainly consider my sibling to be a very good friend), there is often baggage of one kind or another – competiveness, jealousy, historic conflicts and perceived wrongs – that form a barrier to non-judgemental connection. Non-family connections are less encumbered, less laden with emotional weight.
Another interesting factor at play when I consider friendship is gender - the difference in the nature and quality of friendships between men and women. Women’s friendships tend to be more emotion based, and in that sense more intimate. Men’s friendships are often activity based (e.g.” golfing buddies”) and focus on loyalty and common experiences. (https://psychcentral.com, “Female vs. Male Friendships”, Jan. 2018) In my own experience, I am much more likely to bare my soul to a female friend than to my golfing buddy. (Full disclosure: I hate golf…)
As an aging person, I am also aware that friendships play a very important part in my quality of life and social well-being. Many research studies have found that social isolation is harmful, particularly for the elderly. I also recognize that, the longer I live, the fewer friends my own age there will be to share my life. I recognize the importance of nurturing friendships with younger people who will keep me engaged, interested and curious.
Perhaps the most important friendship I will ever have is with myself. Do I value myself? Do I embrace my imperfections and forgive my blunders and embarrassments? Do I treat myself with respect and find humour in my idiosyncrasies? When everything and everybody I ever loved is gone, I will still have me. Can I honour and love the man I have grown to be?
I find such richness, comfort and joy in my friendships. Whether on a road trip, a coffee-shop chat, or a dinner in or out, the time I spend with friends is precious. Friendships require effort and commitment – they need to be watered regularly. But the harvest is bountiful and oh so beautiful!
